This morning I woke up feeling panicked because I knew today was going to be a sad one.

So I put on your shirt to make me feel more comforted. Then I get on twitter and of course you tweet something that makes my heart drop. And not twenty minutes later I find out one of my high school teachers hung himself. On fucking top of everything else that has happened in the past month. I’m turning twenty one in 7 days and I can’t even be excited. I drew a tattoo for someone today for the first time and even though it is supposed to be a dog leash it just looks like a noose to me.

Today has been incredibly melancholy and I’m sure this is God’s way of testing just how much I can take before I break. Well God, if you are listening, I’m going to fight through this and I’m going to keep going. Just please, for fuck’s sake can you not ruin another birthday for me? Please.

Actually just found out that my high school multimedia teacher killed himself.

He hung himself for his wife to find. He had been diagnosed with depression a while ago and I guess had finally had enough. It makes me sad, but also mad to think that he gave up on his own fight after pushing all of us to fight so hard for ourselves.

Just found out that one of my high school teachers that I had for four years passed away yesterday.

It’s weird because I spent four years loving him one day and hating him the next. We were constantly pushing the envelope with him, but at the end of the day I wouldn’t be where I am without him. He pushed me to push myself. He was the first person to give me a C in an art class. He was the first person to make me cry in a critique. And at the time, I hated him for it. But honestly, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today with that. I wouldn’t have been able to stand half the bitter critiques I’ve gotten in college if he hadn’t prepared me for it. I wouldn’t have a quarter of the knowledge that I do about my computer, about Pixar, about how the illustration industry works if I hadn’t been forced to sit with him in that computer lab for four years. Mr. Miller had great taste in music and most days was actually a pretty cool dude. He was the father for my ten person multimedia family. I know he touched a lot of lives and he will be sorely missed.

Sketching up a tattoo design for a friend. Feels good to have a pen in my hand again.

Especially because it isn’t career related

We interrupt your daily posts for a newsflash

If I were a typeface, according to the geniuses at Pentagram, I would be Pistilli Roman

It’s the moments like these where everything is quiet and still

…I know I should enjoy it, find it peaceful. But I don’t. These are the moments that the anxiety sets in and all I want to do is get so high that I can’t think. And that’s why I’ve chosen to quit. Because it’s no longer a way to have fun. It no longer makes the world insanely beautiful. It just makes the world bearable and me numb and that should never be the reason to smoke. I want to find beauty in the world again without the drugs. I just want to be happy on my own.

Today is a terrible day.

I have no job and no housing for next semester. All over a stupid decision two weeks before my contract was up.

Oh hey, you calmed down and we had a normal people conversation. Now, was that so hard? Didn’t think so.

That awkward moment when you look at your GPA for the semester and it’s the lowest it’s ever been despite your decrease in drug usage.

Makes me feel kinda crappy about myself.

And so it begins. Day 1 of not seeing you for the next 3 months.

I’m not going to be too sad about it though. Sadness does nothing. I’m going to take this time to look inward. I’m going to work on making myself the best version of me. I’m going to show you that this was all worth it. That I can live up to all that potential. And if at the end of it all, we decide it wasn’t meant to be then that’s okay too because I need to get to this place anyway.

I love you for showing me that I want this not only for you, but more importantly for myself. And thank you for giving me the strength to let go of the people that have been holding me back.

<3 High risk, high reward <3

I’m getting another chance to make things right and it is the most exhilarating feeling in the world.

He even called me his girlfriend last night, and whether that was an accident or not, I’ll take it

That sudden exhaustion after having a really hard conversation.

I almost made it ten minutes this morning after waking up before I felt like a horrible person all over again. I guess you could call that progress. I hate this fucking feeling so fucking much. All I wanna do is light up and get on with my day but I can’t because I made a deal that, if I break, really does make me a pathetic person.

My cross is getting heavy but I refuse to cut it down. I need to do this.